My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
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