Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
