I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
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