I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
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