hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
how does that bad decision feel?
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
