it's too hot outside to masturbate.
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
