Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
They have beer where we have blood.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
