I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
