Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
