I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
