Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Are we still banned from the library?
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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