just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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