Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
