Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
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