I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
