i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
