even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize
