If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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