I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
MIDGETS
????
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
