Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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