Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
