i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I think my fart just growled at me.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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