True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
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