i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
How does it feel to date your dad?
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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