Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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