ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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