Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
