my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
