you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
