I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
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