So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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