I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
