Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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