I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
