everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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