Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
