He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
