If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
