Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
