You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
