Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Text me some of your sweat
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
