Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
