end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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