So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Randomize
