His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
