i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
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