im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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