omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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