dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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