I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
