I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
