4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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