Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
